The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
