Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
