i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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