Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
false alarm, still single
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
