In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
