Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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