Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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