Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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