Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
