The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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