there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
