So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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