peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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