1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
