I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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