My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
