Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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