I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
How's work?
Spinning.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
