At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
