i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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