a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
