I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
