she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
