First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i wish my penis had a tongue
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize