Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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