Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
We smell like vodka and hangover
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