My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
