I hate your face
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
