I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
