If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
