Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
