If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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