I can text with my tongue
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
