even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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