She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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