She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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