I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
