i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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