this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
