I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just pee around me
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize