i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
