I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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