Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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