Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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