my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
