i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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