Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize