remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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