Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
