god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
