you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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