there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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