He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
