don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just high enough for therapy.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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