Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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