This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
