Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
